I am a follower of #poems on the Insta because I’m rather basic. To prove my case, here’s a little about me: I wear Uggs and currently own three pairs in various colors; I love Starbucks’ cold brew with one pump of sugar free vanilla, light ice, and pumpkin spice cold cream; and I regularly dress up my dog for Halloween - last year she was a unicorn.

Because of my #poem follow setting on Instagram, I see lots of mushy posts and things that make you think and sometimes, and most notably in this case, about a million male “poets” writing about women. Not like, love poems about women they love or pine after or whatever. Poems about women from the woman’s perspective… written by a man.

See that last bit had me perplexed too. 

So naturally I followed them to see what their accounts were really all about. And what I saw honestly did not surprise me. It was stanza after stanza of how we (we being ladies) dream of fields of flowers and sunshine and how we need love in our life. And how we love the sound of soft rain in the morning especially if we’ve just baked some warm bread in the oven. And how we are heartbroken (constantly, apparently) and mushy and needy anddd that’s about it. 

Poems by a guy that allege to know what’s going on in a woman’s mind would be about nothing but fluff…

I’m not mad at them though. Truth be told, I’m seriously impressed they were able to amass thousands on thousands of followers and most of them women too. (Any tips, gentlemen?)

Really though, I’m just wondering where all the poems are about the badass women out there who actually do shit worth noting. Not necessarily saying these poems have to be written by men, but like, where are the women writing actually motivational shit for other women and not just snarky lines about feeling cute today because you wore your new boyfriend’s sweatshirt?

And no, I’m not talking about poems about hand holding and frolicking through fields with your besties or #livingyourbestlife or finding a best friend in your significant other.

I’m talking about poems about women who rule the world and take all the gold and the power and who quite literally ‘don’t need no man’ because they actually have a career and a life outside of their significant other and who hustle all day every day because that’s just what they do and how they survive and how they provide for their family and how they want to live their life.

We all know those people in our own lives. At least hopefully we all know, if only tangentially, at least one badass bitch who runs shit or is the only female in their line of work or takes care of everything in the lives of those she loves. Those women who always seem to have all their shit together and are polished af even in the face of adversity. The ladies who run shit - their families, companies, countries. Who are the presidents of the NYSE (i.e.: Stacey Cunningham - who incidentally is only the second female ever to do so), or serve as justices on the Supreme Court (looking at you, Notorious RBG, who was also only the second female ever to be appointed to the Supreme Court - and may you rest in peace) or who prove to be more than just the wife of a rich/powerful/smart person (heyyy, Michele Obama).

Those badass bitches out there who keep going, moving forward, hustling, grabbing each new day by its lacy underpants and shaking ‘em down for all they’re worth. I dedicate these poems in your honor.

Poems About Badass Babes by An Actual Female

On motivating yourself:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re such a badass,
I want to be one too.

Crying sucks.
But sometimes it has to be done.
So buck up tomorrow,
It’s time to have some fun!

We ladies are so dope,
Just look at the shit we do!
Meant to rule the world…
(And that, ladies and gentleman, was a bonafide haiku. Seriously - fact check me!)

I know it takes work to look the way you do,
But hey, don’t worry, I do that shit too!

On guys:

Yes I wear lace, 
I didn’t buy it for you.
But from the look on your face,
It’s doing the trick too

Whiskey is for boys
Just like boobs are for too.
They have em’ they like em’ and they’re theirs…?
Exactly - whiskey is for girls too.

I’m really just horny.
And I’m tired of pretending that your corny
Jokes are hilarious just so we can finally go 
back to my room so I can come soon. 

On trying times:

You know what’s nice? 
Whiskey. But hold the ice.
You know what’s a pain in the ass?
The fact that you just won’t cut the damn grass.
After all the shit I do for you,
I’m going to need more than just a half-decent screw,
To put up with a backyard that is unsuitable for a garden party.

Sometimes we scream at people…
It’s okay, sometimes people need it.

Always listen to your heart. Especially when it tells you
He really did leave that big fart.
In your room (more specifically) under the covers.
Wtf is wrong with him? You feel like you’re smothered.

**Can anyone tell I was drinking whiskey while I was writing this? Single malt to be specific. Whoops…

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