Judgy Motherfuckers
There’s a reason why I took this blog down during my pregnancy and in the months after our son was born… there are just so many judgy motherfuckers out there with opinions stated as facts that I wasn’t ready to be honest and open up about, well, anything really.
For me, the hardest part about pregnancy, besides the fact that I was literally growing a human and that takes one hell of a toll on your body and your psyche, was navigating the folks who just can’t wait to tell you what to do, or what not to do, or what you should absolutely never do, or what you should be doing absolutely every day or your baby will not be perfect.
Real chat - all those opinions are horseshit.
For every ounce of advice you get (for the most part), you can find compelling, directly contradictory information out there from folks who swear and have “proof” of the exact opposite.
Besides the fact that all of this completely contradictory information makes you feel like you have no idea what’s right and wrong, what you should follow to a T versus what you should only take with a grain of salt, people feel very strongly about the things you should and should not do, and have zero qualms about telling you to your face that you’re doing things wrong, or worse, making that shocked gasp face when you engage in any sort of activity that they think is not befitting a pregnant person.
Like drinking coffee… General guidelines (and my doctor, which I have to say because, you know… judgy motherfuckers out there…) recommend no more than 200-300 milligrams of caffeine per day while pregnant. Caffeine is in lots of things that one has a high likelihood of consuming here in the good US of A - coffee, soda, tea, and yes, even chocolate.
Some pregnant folks end up abstaining completely from coffee during their pregnancy. Lots of people I know publicly abstained from coffee but in reality had more than a few cheat days where they were able to enjoy their favorite coffee beverage of choice.
You might be thinking, why would they put their baby at risk by having any coffee at all?!
First off, if this was your first thought, chances are you are one of the judgy motherfuckers I am referring to.
Secondly, if you choose to (this verb being of the utmost importance) do a little thing called thinking and using math, you can figure out how much caffeine your favorite coffee beverage has (e.g., my favorite, the cortado, typically has 2 espresso shots totaling 200 milligrams of caffeine) and just make sure to stay away from other caffeinated beverages for the rest of the day.
Thirdly, is it literally none of your goddamn business what the person in front of you is ordering to drink, so maybe you should keep your pie-hole shut because you are literally not doing anyone any favors except likely making the soon-to-be Mom who is already frazzled af because of all the crazy things happening in her body now have to justify to you, a complete stranger, the fact that she understands how math works and has carefully calculated her caffeine consumption for the day to be able to enjoy (stress-free, ideally) her favorite beverage.
Like doing physical activity… There are all sorts of recommendations about what pregnant people should or should not do from a physical activity standpoint. It’s only okay to go for short walks! You shouldn’t be lifting anything heavy! Make sure your heart rate doesn’t go up to high! (This last one was from my doctor so actually something I followed.) Just rest and relax, you can workout after the baby is born! You can’t put any pressure on your belly! Whatever you do, don’t try and engage your abs! Definitely don’t weight lift! And the list goes on… Notice that only one of the above “recommendations” came from my doctor…
I happen to be happiest when I am moving and getting my blood pumping and getting those endorphines flowing. Sitting and not doing anything and getting fat and being a blob are not things that make me happy.
(Sadly, I found that many people could give a shit whether the person actually baking the baby feels good, either mentally or physically, because for some reason they think that the second you get pregnant your life is of little importance. I’m also beyond confused why folks don’t assume that feeling like dog shit can have some impact on the baby but I digress…)
Yoga and walking well into my third trimester were, for me, a godsend. Even though people looked at me like I was a little cray-cray when waddling to and from the yoga studio, mat in tow.
Like traveling… I had previously read a million things about Zika and while I certainly haven’t heard anything about it in the news recently, I knew it could still be a potential concern especially if you’re going to a warm wet destination (read: basically anywhere tropical, though there are a few exceptions). The Zika virus, for those unaware, is carried by mosquitoes (hence the warm, wet destination challenge) and is proven to cause birth defects in unborn babies.
I told one of the OBs in my practice that we were planning on going on a babymoom, expecting him to say something about Zika and where to avoid because of the potential for a real catastrophe… but instead, his response was “don’t go anywhere.” Apparently for this geriatric male doctor, not a single place in the world was safe for a pregnant lady to go. “The water could be unclean.” “You should avoid plane rides.” “Only stay close to home.”
Okay, buddy. Like no pregnant people ever go on airplanes or visit family out of town or go on one last hoorah before the baby pops out or need to travel for work or go anywhere at all during the full 9 months of their pregnancy…Talk about out of touch and putting completely unrealistic, unreasonable expectations on people for no reason at all except for this guy’s personal opinion and risk averse nature.
In the end, we ended up babymooning to Aruba (for a few reasons, which maybe I’ll write a separate post about one day). We took long walks on the beach, floated for hours in the blue water, and ate all of the seafood - yes, even from local hole-in-the-wall restaurants - and it was glorious. (I also told my OB office that I did not want that doctor to deliver my baby because I could not imagine what other arcane views he had that would pop up in the delivery room if he was so adamant about not leaving Long Island.
This list is by no means exhaustive. And I’m sorry to say that it in no way stops after the baby is born. It does however, get easier to navigate (read: you learn to give way less shits about the things people say because you realize they are all just opinions with minimal substantiation outside of anecdotal personal experiences).